Waiting for the rain

One of the reasons I haven’t been blogging lately is I feel as though were I to say half of the things on my mind, you’d think I was nuts.

But here’s the truth:  some days I’m too much in my own head to write.  Some days, anxiety chokes me until I can’t breathe, until I want to throw up.  It makes my skin hot and crawly, and steals my voice.  On those days all I can do is power through, be the best parent I can under the circumstances, and hope to ride it out.

And yes, I take medication, but some days it’s not enough.

To stop the shakiness and nausea I clean.  I can’t sit still.  I wander from room to room, picking up toys and shoes and balls of lint, things that on normal days would be invisible to me.  I scrub the floorboards in the kitchen and scan the ceilings for cobwebs.  I let the kids watch too much TV and help themselves to snacks.

I first began to suffer this debilitating anxiety when I discovered the lump in my breast.  Getting a clean bill of health, getting a prescription, starting a new routine of exercise and yoga and meditation all helped.  But as life went on, those things went by the wayside.   Slowly, old habits and fears crept back in — I started smoking again.  I worried that a chest pain was a heart attack, a hemorrhoid was cancer.  Since Mitzi’s diagnosis I’ve been too focused on what to do for her to think about how I felt about it all.

So here I am today.  Hands shaking, heart thumping.  Phantom worries swirl around me and I have to remind myself to breathe.  The only thing that keeps me from crawling into a dark closet is my children.  For them, I’ll stand up and breathe and help them make play dough and splash them in pool and do the best I can, all the while hoping that tomorrow will bring rain, and peace.

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4 thoughts on “Waiting for the rain

  1. Jenna: ((Hugs)) I completely understand. My mom suffers from anxiety and, to a lesser extent, I’ve suffered from it off and on through the years. Now my son has shown signs of it too. All I can do is tell him that it’s okay to talk about your worries. Keeping it all inside just makes them grow. So good for you that you ARE talking about it. It’s important for people to know that sometimes worrying can be just as debilitating, if not moreso, than an actual problem. Sending you calming vibes and the knowledge that you are not alone.
    Nelsa

  2. Just like your dad. But you put it out there for us to see where as I kept it ‘locked” away for years with devestating results.

    Today is all I have. Whatever I do today will be for ME first. If I’m not well I can’t help anyone else. Self medicationg is not the answer, at least it didn’t work for me in the long run.

    Forget about the rain coming tomorrow. Enjoy the sun, the kids, Ray and write until you can’t write anymore. Do what’s good for Jen and then you’ll be able to enjoy life .

    Remember that it isn’t important that we fall it’s that we get up and continue on our journy that makes us
    stronger and brings us God’s gifts.

    BUDDHA SAID–” LIVE EVERY ACT FULLY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST”.

    Love you.

  3. Jen, anxiety and worry are so debilitating. continue to seek help. talking and writing out your worries will help, of course. there is no quick fix. sometimes it’s so hard to be grateful for what we have, we worry and obsess that the other shoe will fall. to some extent we all suffer this at one time or another. it’s so easy for others to tell you to be grateful, to see the sun shining, the glass is half full, etc. talk, share, seek help, pray, and look to that glimmer of sunshine trying to peek thru. xo

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