Random thoughts….

I can’t write too much, following the days where we said goodbye to grandma.  My entire self is somehow braided together by the moments — stretched into hours, days — spent with her and grandpa.  How can everything still happen when they are gone?  I suppose that many hours will pass before I figure that out.  I have yet to let myself fully feel the loss, and so far have taken refuge in yoga and red wine.  At some point I’m certain neither will suffice.  Fortunately, Ray is only about me, especially right now.

But then there is the sudden news of Karin’s mom, Inga, this amazing woman of infinite energy and love and enthusiasm and now.  Suddenly wrenched from this world and gone somewhere — nowhere, if we are to agree with Ellie’s four-year-old assessment of where Grandma Mitzi is now. But everywhere, I contend, even while I wonder.  Can a person like Inga really be gone?  How can the world still rotate on this axis?

My thoughts are with my friend tonight. Somehow, the painful departure of an elderly person who had been fighting for so long, somehow that departure, though agonizing, is not as breath-taking as the loss of a younger, more obviously vibrant personality.  Neither is more or less heart-wrenching.  But I wonder, which is the easier end?  Neither, I suppose.

My grandma helped to shape who I have become; her death will help to shape who I continue to be.  And I guess, because of that, my breath is stolen to think of how my friends feel tonight, as I would feel, rudderless, deflated, lost in a wilderness never imagined.

I wish to be someone stronger, for my family, for my friends.  Alas.  I am only me.  And how amazingly self-absorbed.  As if I could mitigate the grief; as if I could offer a Band-Aid for the gash that will never fully close.   I am grateful for anyone who literally or, via the internet, symbolically holds my hand right now.  And I guess what I’m saying is, as inadequate as this is, my hand is what I have to offer.

And if that’s not enough, well, how about a bottle of merlot?


3 thoughts on “Random thoughts….

  1. Jennifer – I am sorry for your loss and am “virtually” holding your hand. I wish I could give you words that would make the pain and shock dissipate, but there are none. I am not going to say anything like, “time heals all wounds”, or “it was part of g-ds plan”, or “everything happens for a reason”. I don’t believe any of that. Time does help ease the pain, but it takes time and it will always hurt, just not as much.
    Merlot works, as does a good cosmo. Drink up and remember to enjoy the little things in life.

  2. I am hugging you now just like when you woke up in the middle of the night for”our time”. I wish I could be there for you but I’m here for Mom and the rest of the Family. Seek solice in Ray, the Kids and your friends.

    You wrote several years ago about Grandpa “that the gifts were all his to give”. Well the same can be said for Grandma too. They gave of themselves unselfishly and with Love.

    She shaped All of our lives in so many ways.

    That which is timeless is found now.

    Love you!

  3. So sorry to hear about Karin’s mom…very tragic. Hang in there and hug those kids…it will get better. 🙂

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